Sorry to spam your dashboards with my long rant…my tumblr is my personal blog so I rant sometimes

Why I’m such a big anxious mess? Cause I’m trying hard to force down hyper self that society doesn’t approve off!!! 

~ You’re in college, you can’t do crazy wild things and walk on ledges and balance yourself on high edges like a monkey ~ the only crazy thing they approve of is alcohol..that went well…-.-* zzzzzz

~ You’re in college now, you can’t run down the hallways, zipping and zagging like you did in middle school

~ You’re 21, you can’t jump and hop and bounce into friends like you’re 10 years old

~ Dancing around and singing to yourself and shuffling your feet and doing skating moves in random public places is seen as a psycho! -.-* I’m just in a happy, dancy mood!!!!!! 

To the aboves: How else am I gonna let out my hyperness!!!! 

~ You’re a girl, you gotta be cute and sweet

~ You’re too cute to be a player -.-

~ You’re a girl, you can’t act like a jerk and still get away with it

~ You’re a girl, you can’t act like a dark and mysterious, closed off person and some how that attracts ppl. It repels ppl. 

~ You’re too short to be naturally seen as a leader on first impression -.-

~ You’re a girl, you can’t say weird things and have ppl just laugh it off

~ You’re a girl, it doesn’t look right when you act like a guy, gentlemen, masculine…etc

~ You’re a girl, opening doors for guys & “girls” is odd!!! -.-* so I’m left only being able to do it for other odd girls

~ You’re pretty, you must be warm, loving and sweet. 

~ You’re Asian, you don’t have as much privilege as Caucasians

~ You’re a female, you must wants kids. Don’t you feel its your job? -.-*

~ Oh yea and my face and figure doesn’t fit the actual me inside..how convenient. So what ppl assume I’m a sweet little girl la la la and when I break that impression and be wild and loud and hyper and active and ninja jumping and stoic and as my friend calls it “cool” and intimidating and too smart and calm and a kick as leader and the side of me that’s capable of running part of an organization comes out they back off. wtf……..shows how real you ppl are…-.-*

~ You’re crazy for setting that goal, you don’t know what you’re capable off. -.-* and you’re the one who doesn’t know what “anatomy” is about when you’re wanting to go into nursing

~ “blah blah blah” means “blah blah blah” in English -.-* yea i know, mom/dad. I heard it every day since I was born, and understand more than 5 languages AND can figure out basic words and convos about what ppl are saying in 5+ languages w/o knowing a single word just through nonverbal cues.

~ someone once said to me anonymously ”Jinhee is too smart. I feel intimated/uncomfortable when I’m around her (so I stay away from her) -.-* I get this too often….

~ and another person “JinHee is too smart and pretty, I feel uncomfortable when I’m around her” And when I try to be modest and turn down the compliments, I come off as insecure!!! WTF!!!!!!!!! 

~ yea, I grew up mostly by myself, teaching myself all of life lesson’s so if I can’t understand people relationships and a bit slow then hey, give me a break. I’ pretty proud of how far I’ve come! Its my extremely deep self reflection that got me caught up to the average person in society. I’d still be cold and empty if it ain’t for my mind with its many deep thought holes, so back off and give me a break!!! 

~ and the list goes on, though the last 1/3 was kinda unrelated and me just complaining

~ Yea sure, confidence in yourself. Love yourself, but theres only so much you can take, only so many times you can hear it before you explode. and i’m hearing it WAAAAAAAAAY TOOOOO MUUUUCCCHHH!!!! for example…read the below

~ DAD: eww that guy looks like hes gay. eww that woman looks like a guy. why the hell the look like that

~Me: -.- hello!!!!!!! transgender standing next to you!!!

~Mom: whose that guy friend? no you can’t have guys over. (I talk about a guy friend I just known for a few days) is that your boyfriend? (my stomach hurts one day) Mom: are you pregnant!!!!!!!!!!! -.-* MOM!!!!! I’m NOT PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO GUYS THAT WAY!!!!!! (But I DOOOO LIKE GUYS…its complicated.)

~ Me: Mom: why do you worry about the guy friends? You should worry about the girl friends. I’m attracted to the girls physically, not the guys!!!!!!! UGH!!!! (BUT I DO LIKE GUYS!!!)

~Parents: You’re over 18 now, you should get a job and pay us back for the amount of effort we had to put into raising you

~Me: thanks…if you never wanted a kid you should have never had me. -.-*

~Parents: you’re such a bad kid. No other kid is like you, why don’t you be better?
~Me: Yea, no other kid is like me. 90% of all kids from immigrant/refugee families within this community tend to end up as gangsters and high school drop outs and do drugs and drink and do everything illegal, etc…I get high grades, start college 2 years early, WAS ALWAYS in classes a above my grade, won honorary state awards, always had professional jobs, run my own programs, groups, design museum exhibits, helping to pull an organization from the brink of collapsing, climbed to the remote regions to lost world villages of China where only hours of walking by foot can get you there to do research, grew up surround by crazy alcoholics and sexist bastards…and I still turned out on top. yea, I really am like no other kid. And funny you still call me a kid ~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND APPARENTLY WHEN I’M MYSELF!!! I’M SEEN AS A CRAZY PERSON THAT JUST SCARES THE FREAK OUT OF EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND APPARENTLY ITS NOT GOOD FOR MY PROFESSIONAL CAREEER!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
Continue to live a double life, showing my true colors only to VERY extreme odd balls….seems to be the only answer. -.-* 

AND what I want to do, I can’t do because its not just the doing that I want its the reactions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its the EFFECTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That I CAN’T have…yea sure we can do what we all want right? anything we want, don’t care what ppl say or do. suuuure. watch me go run around like this in a work environment. watch me be my guyish self in the work/school environment (w/o appearing like a guy/transsexual/transgender on the outside) where not EVERYONE is trained to be sensitive to differences and watch 1/2 the ppl there look at me strange and be my enemy like in high school. (YES ITS HAPPENED BEFORE!!! VERY RECENT!!!!!! TOO OFTEN!!!!) We leave high school just to get pulled back in when we start working. AND watch me just start to be completely myself again and then hell breaks loose within the “female” population as all them bitches start glaring at me and comming after my neck. YES! IT HAPPENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVEN OVER THE AGE OF 21! ALMOST ANY WHERE I GO THE MOMENT I OPEN MY MOUTH AND GO AGAINST THE NORMS, THE MOMENT I DON’T SIT ALL PROPER, THE MOMENT I SIT WITH MY LEGS SPREAD OUT ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE WITHIN THE FEMALE SUB POPULATION AND SOONER OR LATER I FIND DEATH NOTES FOR ME ON BATHROOM WALLS AND BITCHES GLARING AT ME AND GUYS LOOKING AT ME LIKE I’M CRAZY!!! and when I just glance back at them like this -.- they think I think i’m all that/a biotch and want a fight and come at me. YES THIS HAPPENS EVEN IN THIS CURRENT AGE OF LIFE!!!!!!! AND AT UW!!! YES IT DOES!!!!!!! 

~ and it sucks to always be seen as the leader by ppl and never the friend. (how ppl always were like to me: JH, what are we suppose to do? Okay whats our plan? Me: I’m not facilitating this project…I’m just here as a volunteer…them: but you know everything, you’re smart. Me: You gotta learn to think for yourself and try. -_-*dude, sometimes I just want to sit back and be the friend and let someone else do the work. I managed to hide all this for a few years in college as my brain took a hella freak’n long break…but darns it I’m being called back to duty. I was hoping I’d have some fun at least while I’m taking my break….but… -.- *sigh* I’m different for a reason. 

~ and what? okay i actually say something. thats how I’m taught, thats how I grew up. SURROUNDED BY TRUE BLOODED SOCIAL WORKERS AND PPL WHO REALLY DO STAND UP FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE!!!!! and so wat? I open my mouth to injustice and in-etc. so what??????????????????????? If there ain’t ppl like that then how did the world become a little easier to live? (dun start a debate on this with me now…… u get my general point) 

-.- -.- -.- -.- -.- -.- -.- -.- -.- -.- -.-